It has been two months since my dear daughter Trina died. What to say? It was always my worst fear that I would lose one of my children. I am sure most moms feel that. The worst thing has happened. Now what?
It is a surprise to me that we can still function at all. We put one foot ahead of the other and the days go by. I thank God for my dear grandchildren and Cameo. Without them, life would be unbearable. Cameo and I try to keep busy and with two kids, that is not hard to do! I cannot look past today, Cameo has taught me that. One day at a time is all I can do. If I look ahead to a season, holiday or event, it is too much for me.
Trina was Cameo and my best friend. The three of us were a unit. We are still a unit, missing one third of us. But it isn't like it is a clean piece of the pie gone, it is more like a piece of cloth that is weaved, and as that piece is cut out, it cuts off the life of us also.
I am not a writer, and it takes me so long to write this, but I am trying to document how I feel, so that someday maybe I can look back and see if I have made any progress in healing. Right now I am feeling like my heart is cut apart and bleeding.
Papa spends alot of time at church, I do not. I trusted in Trina's healing so much, that I feel like I am so stupid for believing in the impossible. Why are some people healed with prayer and some are not? The Bible says if you have faith, you will be healed. We had faith. We three had faith and belief. Why???? I need to understand. I have read the book by Rabbi Kushner, When Bad Things Happen to Good People. That explains some things, but I still need to know why some are healed and some are not.
I know that we are blessed to have each other. There are seven of us left, we will be strong for each other, we will go on. But there is always an empty chair at the table now. At home, at a restaurant, in the car. An empty chair. We all notice, always, even Asa and Valentina.
I just pray that my heart will stop bleeding, and I will not dread the upcoming seasons, events and holidays. Last summer was hard with Trina on chemo and feeling terrible, but we still had her to hug and love and see. This summer will be the worst ever. The worst ever. Trina loved summer! We loved the sun!!! God give me the strength to make this summer great for the kids.
Cameo is such a help to me. I am at her house from morning to night, everyday. I do not like to be in the trailer at all, it is too lonely. I need her. She is a light to me. She is so strong, I am so proud of her. So proud!
Josh is going back to work in April. I am so glad he has had this time with Asa. It has helped Asa and Josh, having this time together. It is going to be an adjustment when he goes back to work full time. He has been working at his part time job all along. Asa will miss him alot. The two of them are best buds!!! So cute to see.
Another weekend here, another week that we lived through. And they keep coming and going. It is amazing to me that life goes on.
