The Next Month

The next month is going to be the hardest Holidays I have lived through. Last year Trina was still with us for Christmas and even New Years. She kept saying last year on Christmas Day "This is my last Christmas" I could not believe it then, I was unable to accept the fact that my daughter was dying. Last year I could still hold her, hug her, love her. This year all I can do is go to the cemetary and see her marker. I am crying now, while I write this, but Asa and Valentina are sitting at the table eating dinner and I am blessed to have them and Cameo.

I always thought it was crazy when a married couple lost a child and would get divorced. I understand it now. This year, Papa and I have grieved differently. We frustrate each other because we do not understand how the other thinks. Papa prefers to not think about Trina and that she is gone. He gets so mad when I cry. He says to just give it to God, and then I will not cry. I get frustated with him because he doesn't want me to ever cry. He took me to talk to the priest last week, to make him talk some sense to me. After talking to both of us, he agreed that I was grieving and so was Papa, but it is normal for people to grieve as we are all human, and he too grieved for his family members with tears. Papa even aplogized to me after that. We are growing closer together after talking to Father William. I love my husband very much and he loves me. It has been a hard year, but we will survive.

I am so thankful for our kids. They make me feel that I am needed. They keep Cameo and I very busy all day every day. Thank God for those kids!!!!!!!!!
I dread the next month, but also know that we will all survive and together we will get past January 15, the day we buried our dear daughter.

I never thought I could lose one of my daughters and live, but somehow we live even though it would be so much easier to die. But we live on for the others that we love. I am so grateful for Cameo and Asa and Valentina. I am grateful for my husband also and my dear sons in law. Together we will get through this time, we are all needed, for each other we will go on.

Life is hard right now.

Too Hard

It has been 10 months since Trina died. The holidays are here.
Halloween was hard, but the kids said it was fun.
Last night we went out to celebrate Josh's birthday. The dinner was good, the company was good, but we were all still missing Her!
Thanksgiving is next, we still have no idea what we are going to do. Cam wants to be out of town.
We both agree we cannot be at home and cook like we did last year with Trina. That is not an option.
Then there is Hannukah and Christmas. Then New Year's. She had her last chemo on Dec.31, went to the hospital on Jan.2 and died on Jan.9.
I truly do not know how we can live through the next two months. It is so painful. My heart aches for us all. Josh, Cameo, Asa, Papa and I. How do we do this????

Time Goes On

Five months, the days pass and all I have to write is that I am grateful for my family that I still have, and grieving for the one that I don't.

Always an Empty Chair

It has been two months since my dear daughter Trina died. What to say? It was always my worst fear that I would lose one of my children. I am sure most moms feel that. The worst thing has happened. Now what?

It is a surprise to me that we can still function at all. We put one foot ahead of the other and the days go by. I thank God for my dear grandchildren and Cameo. Without them, life would be unbearable. Cameo and I try to keep busy and with two kids, that is not hard to do! I cannot look past today, Cameo has taught me that. One day at a time is all I can do. If I look ahead to a season, holiday or event, it is too much for me.

Trina was Cameo and my best friend. The three of us were a unit. We are still a unit, missing one third of us. But it isn't like it is a clean piece of the pie gone, it is more like a piece of cloth that is weaved, and as that piece is cut out, it cuts off the life of us also.

I am not a writer, and it takes me so long to write this, but I am trying to document how I feel, so that someday maybe I can look back and see if I have made any progress in healing. Right now I am feeling like my heart is cut apart and bleeding.

Papa spends alot of time at church, I do not. I trusted in Trina's healing so much, that I feel like I am so stupid for believing in the impossible. Why are some people healed with prayer and some are not? The Bible says if you have faith, you will be healed. We had faith. We three had faith and belief. Why???? I need to understand. I have read the book by Rabbi Kushner, When Bad Things Happen to Good People. That explains some things, but I still need to know why some are healed and some are not.

I know that we are blessed to have each other. There are seven of us left, we will be strong for each other, we will go on. But there is always an empty chair at the table now. At home, at a restaurant, in the car. An empty chair. We all notice, always, even Asa and Valentina.

I just pray that my heart will stop bleeding, and I will not dread the upcoming seasons, events and holidays. Last summer was hard with Trina on chemo and feeling terrible, but we still had her to hug and love and see. This summer will be the worst ever. The worst ever. Trina loved summer! We loved the sun!!! God give me the strength to make this summer great for the kids.

Cameo is such a help to me. I am at her house from morning to night, everyday. I do not like to be in the trailer at all, it is too lonely. I need her. She is a light to me. She is so strong, I am so proud of her. So proud!

Josh is going back to work in April. I am so glad he has had this time with Asa. It has helped Asa and Josh, having this time together. It is going to be an adjustment when he goes back to work full time. He has been working at his part time job all along. Asa will miss him alot. The two of them are best buds!!! So cute to see.

Another weekend here, another week that we lived through. And they keep coming and going. It is amazing to me that life goes on.