The next month is going to be the hardest Holidays I have lived through. Last year Trina was still with us for Christmas and even New Years. She kept saying last year on Christmas Day "This is my last Christmas" I could not believe it then, I was unable to accept the fact that my daughter was dying. Last year I could still hold her, hug her, love her. This year all I can do is go to the cemetary and see her marker. I am crying now, while I write this, but Asa and Valentina are sitting at the table eating dinner and I am blessed to have them and Cameo.
I always thought it was crazy when a married couple lost a child and would get divorced. I understand it now. This year, Papa and I have grieved differently. We frustrate each other because we do not understand how the other thinks. Papa prefers to not think about Trina and that she is gone. He gets so mad when I cry. He says to just give it to God, and then I will not cry. I get frustated with him because he doesn't want me to ever cry. He took me to talk to the priest last week, to make him talk some sense to me. After talking to both of us, he agreed that I was grieving and so was Papa, but it is normal for people to grieve as we are all human, and he too grieved for his family members with tears. Papa even aplogized to me after that. We are growing closer together after talking to Father William. I love my husband very much and he loves me. It has been a hard year, but we will survive.
I am so thankful for our kids. They make me feel that I am needed. They keep Cameo and I very busy all day every day. Thank God for those kids!!!!!!!!!
I dread the next month, but also know that we will all survive and together we will get past January 15, the day we buried our dear daughter.
I never thought I could lose one of my daughters and live, but somehow we live even though it would be so much easier to die. But we live on for the others that we love. I am so grateful for Cameo and Asa and Valentina. I am grateful for my husband also and my dear sons in law. Together we will get through this time, we are all needed, for each other we will go on.
Life is hard right now.
4 comments:
I love you mom. I need you so much.
Love you all, Beya. Sending you all lots and lots of love.
so glad Papa understands that you grieve in different ways. I can't imagine a Mom not crying over the loss of her daughter. I cry just reading this and hating that you are in pain. I think Papa just hates to see you suffer and men don't get that women are able to cry and still go on. You are so loved and so appreciated. My prayers are always with you.
Beya-
I was so sad when I read that Trina said last Christmas was her last. I can't imagine hearing those words from someone I loved so dearly, even if it were true. I am so sorry for all you have seen and felt!
I feel terribly for what you and your husband are going through! Grief grabs a hold of us, and yanks us in all different directions!!
I haven't told this to anyone outside of my family, but between you and I, it is my mom and step-dad that I have been referring to on my blog as hurtful! I am having, what seems like, endless problems with them. While I know eventually it will pass, it is horrific going through it!
It seems what has already happened is enough to deal with, or should be....anything else on top seems ridiculous to have to weather! But as we both know, it is worth it, and we will get through, somehow, some way!
I know you won't, but please don't make any reference to the 2 of them and these issues on my blog, I knew it would make it harder for them. Thank you :-)
Thi king of you always, but especially in this and next month!
Love,
Jen
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